Sex, Sensitivity, and Self-Discovery: The ADHD Experience

In this episode, hosts Ash and Dusty explore the complex relationship between ADHD and sexuality, discussing how attention challenges can impact intimacy and arousal. Dusty highlights the disconnect many individuals with ADHD may feel towards their bodies, illustrating how hyper-focusing on daily tasks can overshadow the awareness of physical desires. The conversation touches on the societal pressures faced by women and the emotional labor involved in sexual relationships, as well as the unique experiences of trans individuals navigating their identities and desires.

As the discussion unfolds, the hosts share personal insights on rejection sensitivity and the importance of boundaries in intimate relationships. They emphasize the necessity of communication and intentionality in sexual encounters, arguing that scheduling can serve as a practical tool for both arousal and life balance. Together, they set the stage for a follow-up episode that will delve deeper into building a fulfilling sex life while managing ADHD and other personal challenges.

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Episode Transcript:

[00:00:00] Ash: Hi, I’m Ash.

[00:00:02] Dusty: I’m Dusty.

[00:00:03] Ash: And this is Translating ADHD. This week, we’ve actually got a Translating ADHD first. I can say for sure, and I have no idea what we’ve talked about in the last 200 episodes. I do not have a catalog of this anywhere. I do not have it organized. When clients ask me, what episode did you talk about X?

I have no idea. Sometimes Cam knows, sometimes I text him and he’s got the answer. But I know we’ve never talked about this topic before. We are going to talk about ADHD and sex. Love that. What a great way to kick us off. Dusty, what’s on your mind when it comes to the ADHD impact on our sex lives?

[00:00:42] Dusty: firstly I think that this episode is gonna be so much more like, less racy than people think, but we’ll see. We’ll see. It’s not it’s gonna be very helpful and maybe not as spicy as you think, ‘ cause we’re just talking about brains, but we’ll see. Yeah, so I, when I think about A DHD and sex, I think about the ways that A DHD impacts us in all the ways, 

but especially in terms of interoceptive awareness, right? We hear so often from ADHD impacted clients that, you know, when they’re in hyper-focus, they like, forget to pee. And then until their bladder is bursting, like, they’re not in tune with their body, or they don’t know that they’re hungry, or they can’t, or the other way, like, they can’t stop feeling an itchy tag in their shirt.

Like, the ways that our attention issues play around with our ability to be physically connected to our bodies, it’s, 100 percent plays out in terms of bedroom stuff and arousal. And I think that can go either way. But, you know, as a as like, a CIS het woman you know, my experience has been that ADHD can certainly impact my ability to, first of all, even remember that desire exists, but second of all, be in my body and connected to my body enough to, like, experience arousal, right? Like, when you’re 20 miles deep on a to-do list that’s like, you know, eating you alive and overwhelming you, like, I’m often not even aware that I have a body.

I’m basically just a big list of to-dos wandering around in my brain.

[00:02:03] Ash: Dusty, I find it really interesting that you said that when you and I talked a couple of weeks ago about doing this topic, I said that I wasn’t sure how much I would have to bring because my realization that I’m trans and coming out has obviously, completely shifted my perspective and understanding of who I am as a sexual being in a number of ways.

So I think it’s really interesting that you say that with ADHD as a cishet person, you can be so disconnected from your body because disassociation was a big cope for me in the whole trans but didn’t know it thing. And I was attributing that until just now entirely to transness, but it sounds like there’s an ADHD element there as well, which makes a lot of sense.

. I am a combined type when it comes to my ADHD diagnosis and presentation, but I lean inattentive and I can definitely spend a lot of time in my own head, especially in situations that are uncomfortable, which by the way, is most situations when you don’t feel good about the body you’re in or connected to the body you’re in. So I just, I find this really fascinating that you’ve had a similar experience there, even though like we have very different lived experiences. Otherwise, when it comes to sex, sexuality, gender, et cetera.

[00:03:19] Dusty: Yeah, and I just want to clarify I’ve had some trans clients talk to me about challenges with being in their body too because of dysphoria. So sometimes the not, the feeling of not being with or in your body is intentional if you are struggling with dysphoria. And the reason I kind of qualified it as like Cishet woman cause like, yeah, there’s like ADHD stuff going on there.

And then also like, there’s this really great book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I really think it should be required reading for anybody who loves someone with a vagina. Or who maybe has been socialized female.

I’m trying to say this. So the book itself, like, acknowledges that it doesn’t have a good trans framework. It’s mostly looking at, like, the experiences of cishet women. But it really talks about the way that women cishet women, like, experience their sexuality and, like When it comes to arousal, like, why so many cishet women do experience like an, a struggle to have arousal above and beyond ADHD as a thing, you know, this is a bit of a cultural phenomenon and it has a lot to do with like emotional labor and like just kind of what works for them.

For, you know, these types of bodies and so then when you add ADHD in on top of that as a way, as a thing that like divorces us from our body you know, Dr. Ari Tuchman wrote a book about this called ADHD After Dark and he looked at couples where one person ADHD, either the man or the woman, and again, this was like a very heteronormative book there, I don’t think, to my memory, there wasn’t a lot of stuff around same sex relationships or I don’t think it accounted for like trans identities.

It was like just looking at cis men and women, and only one person had ADHD. But he generally found, if I’m recalling it correctly, which I think I am, apologies if I’m not. I think he generally found that ADHD impacted cis het women tended to skew more towards the like, not feeling arousal. Like being disconnected, not wanting sex and feeling like ADHD was getting in the way of their ability to like, to enjoy sex, not just in terms of being distanced from their body and their interoceptive awareness, but like distraction during sex you know, stress, like being too overwhelmed to enjoy sex, whereas the men, the cishet men tended to skew more towards being like being hypersexual and using sex as like a source of dopamine and of course it wasn’t like A hard and fast rule, like, you could be any gender and you could have either of those experiences, but basically what Dr.

Tachman found is that people go one of two ways with ADHD and sex. Either like, you don’t think about it. You’re too overwhelmed to have it. You can’t stop, you know, feeling that itchy thing on the bed. And so you’re like, getting distracted. And so you’re having a hard time. Being into sex or you’re like really using sex as a tool for like dopamine And so like it tends to go one of these two extremes, but I think that the whole thing about cishet women and people with ADHD who are maybe like a fab having more sexual struggles Can also be attributed to a bit of that socialization where like there’s all this emotional labor They’re expected to think about you know The kids and the lunches and the house cleaning and like when you have ADHD and all of that is so hard to manage already But yeah, all of this is just to say that I don’t mean to qualify like this as something that is Only owned by cishet women, but I do think there’s maybe like different reasons That trans people and cishet women might have, like, a distance from their body.

[00:06:35] Ash: Dusty, this is really interesting to me because I would say that I have lived both experiences, right? Obviously there’s the complication of being trans and not knowing it, but I would say that was largely not a thing in my marriage, right? Our marriage was very not gendered. Now, my, my co-parent is a straight man.

We’re each other’s person until we weren’t, and we actually separated and divorced before I realized I was trans, so that was not the reason. But I wouldn’t say that the gender stuff was a problem in our bedroom. We had a good sex life until we didn’t, and what you just described is a lot of why we didn’t.

I was the one that really struggled to make the time, make the space, come with enthusiasm, right? That sounded a little dirty, right? Come with enthusiasm. That’s not what I meant. Arrive to the situation with enthusiasm, which was actually very important to my partner at the time, right? Without like, if it wasn’t like a mutually enjoyable experience, he had no interest in it.

And then On the flip side, going through second puberty, right? And being single and yeah, sex can be a great source of dopamine. and I started to notice some behaviors in that direction, especially in gay culture where casual sex is more normalized, where I was prioritizing that more than I needed to be at the time because it was a source of dopamine in addition to being like a source of gender affirmation.

So it was like a double hit of the good stuff, right?

[00:08:12] Dusty: Yeah, and like honestly, I wish it was less weird for us to talk about like masturbation because we talk all the time about like what are the little things you can do in your day to like increase your dopamine or help yourself de stress or help yourself relax and like I will say it for everyone to hear it guys Don’t forget that if you are like stressed out and you have ADHD and you’re having you’re like low on dopamine Literally just go and masturbate if that is comfortable for you And if you can why not great source of dopamine Just, you know, like, get in there, rub one out, move on with your day.

Think of it as medicine, okay? If that advice is helpful for you. If it’s triggering, obviously don’t do it. But I just, like, I don’t know, I wish I could, like, say that to more people without making things super weird. So I’ll just say it here.

[00:08:57] Ash: Huh. I love that dusty. And I will throw in the caveat that I think that advice probably isn’t, you know, As pertinent for people who lean towards hypersexuality, right? Because then it can become like a repetitive behavior thing in a way that maybe isn’t serving you. So like everything else we say on this show, it starts with what is true for you,

[00:09:19] Dusty: good catch.

[00:09:19] Ash: So what I’m wondering from here, Dusty, is How has your relationship with sex, you’ve kind of described it being a cis woman and what the landscape of that is tough anyway for any woman, right? For so many reasons and one that you didn’t mention, you did mention emotional labor. I would also like to throw in the people pleasing.

Right? Women are taught to demure, to be the pleaser in a situation, which can make it really challenging to speak up in a sexual situation. If something isn’t working for you to ask for something that you might be afraid or ashamed to ask for. 

 And then there’s the whole Madonna and whore thing that can bring up certain feelings if you are asking for something that feels too dirty, or if you’re showing up in a sexual situation too slutty. So it’s just so thick. Thorny for women.

[00:10:15] Dusty: Oh yeah, and I think there’s like even a couple more layers and then I’ll answer your question. But like, okay, number one, masking during sex, right? Performative, right? And I think this goes for people of any gender. When you have ADHD and you’re hyperconscious or maybe you’re like distracted. And so you’re like, You’re masking, you’re performing the way that you think you’re supposed to act during a sexual encounter.

Again, you’re not in your body, you’re not doing what you legitimately want, you’re not having the experience so much as performing the experience for someone else, which I think probably does happen to cis het women in hetero relationships more, right? Like, there’s this whole idea of like, faking orgasms, and you know, obviously a lot of the time in heterosexual sex, the like, goal of sex is the climax of the person with the penis, and It’d be great if the person who doesn’t have the penis can also climax, but like that’s unfortunately not always central and like, people with penises, those of you who are having sex with people with vaginas, can you please make sure that like, it is, it needs to be like a one for one ratio, okay, if you’re getting off, you need to get that other person off, if that’s what they want, please.

Please. But like, so again that’s something that’s not even impacted by ADHD, but then we may bring that, that need to mask like, Oh, am I doing sex wrong? Am I having enough fun? Oh my God, can this person tell I’m distracted? Let me put on a show versus like, am I genuinely enjoying this? Right. And that’s not even touching on the way that our relationships impact sex.

Again, we know that this is true regardless of neurotype that like issues in the marriage or in the relationship are Absolutely gonna play out in people’s like desire and connectedness and ability to be vulnerable with one another but when you get that parent-child dynamic with ADT that is so common. Like, how does that play out in the bedroom? I know that I don’t feel sexy and I don’t want to have sex with someone who is constantly nagging me, making me feel stupid, like making me feel like I’m not good enough. Like that is not get my gears going, if you know what I’m saying.

[00:12:09] Ash: Well and then double down if the bulk of your sexual experiences is you showing up and performing for the pleasure of someone else without your own needs, desires, pleasure in the room. Then it’s just another chore, isn’t it? It’s just another damn thing on the to do list.

[00:12:26] Dusty: And I think that’s what Emily Nagoski was really getting at with Come As You Are, is like that has been the experience for like a lot of like cishet women too. And so that’s something to take into consideration. Like what are the power dynamics and the gender dynamics in your relationship? You know, what are the, who’s, who struggles more with feeling overwhelmed who, how can you know, if you’re the person who’s more easily aroused and more like, genuinely motivated to have sex, like, unfortunately, the reality is like, you kind of do need to be willing to put in the work to help the person who struggles more, I think like, get in that mood.

But if you’re also the like, parentified sexist, Spouse or partner and you’re already like doing more than your share. Like maybe you feel resentful about that. I don’t know But so to kind of come back to your main question Ash There’s this person who used to be on Twitter named Erin Brooke She actually was a client of mine for a while and she had such a great there was this one Twitter thread that she did where she talked about scheduling sex.

And she was like, this is the most unsexy thing, but like, if I don’t schedule sex, like, I put it on my calendar to have sex with my husband. And like, that might sound really unsexy, but I talk to about this to clients all the time like our intention isn’t enough, right? I’m guessing that the experience for most neurotypical people is that when they have intention, that leads to motivation, which leads to memory, which leads to follow-through.

But for us, we can have the best of intentions. And then that memory piece, especially for me, my perspective memory is absolutely terrible, right? You just completely forget that this is something that you intend to do and that it matters to you and that it’s important. And then you don’t show up. So, you know, to a lot of people, it feels like, oh, well, if I have to schedule sex or if I have to remind myself to like, Shut up and listen to my partner more or give my partner a hug that must you know I don’t want to turn it into a chore or like I don’t want it to be mechanical But like I think of it as like an accessibility tool and so what I think has made a difference for me in terms of Like having good sexual experiences has been like a to remember that like if you’re too busy Like if you don’t leave time for it, like you can’t there needs to be a transition, right?

you can’t just go from like washing the dishes and doing the to do list and like You know folding laundry and then be like, okay, it’s sexy time now, right? Like any like foreplay is a word for a reason but like foreplay doesn’t just apply to sexual experiences I need foreplay to be creative. I need foreplay to be in the mood to work out I need like I need to transition myself to be in the mood to do almost anything That I know is objectively important because chances are i’m never in the mood to do anything that I tell myself to do I’m not in the mood to work out I have to get myself in the mood.

I’m not in the mood to be creative even though, like, I know that it’s a thing that I genuinely enjoy. I don’t want to do it. I need to, like, get myself in the mood. And like, you know, it is the, there’s a, we all could use a little bit more foreplay, I’m sure, but making time for that, like, Remembering that you need that transition and if that looks like putting it on your calendar, writing out a routine for yourself, creating steps, having like items like talismans that are going to remind you that’s something important, like a candle with a really nice smell or like buying yourself some expensive like underwear that you wear.

You know, on purpose because it helps you remember that like, oh, I’m going to be sexy with my partner later, like, what are the things that we can introduce into our environment to help us follow through on our intention and to help ourselves transition from that overwhelmed headspace to the right headspace and like, get into our bodies and be in the present moment, because if you’re not present, you won’t have good interoceptive awareness, you won’t know whether you’re aroused or not, like, these are all kind of parts and so I think just like anything with ADHD, it takes a few steps.

extra steps that are a little bit more intentional, but like ideally we want that to be worth doing.

[00:16:09] Ash: Dusty, I think this is really interesting because I’ve done a similar thing, but for the exact opposite reason. Since starting testosterone, arousal is not an issue, and that’s not just a puberty thing, by the way. I’m two years in now, and the early, like, hyperarousal that just happens with a testosterone-based puberty is no longer an issue.

Such a thing. Thank goodness, because that was awful. Like that’s not the good type of arousal. That’s the itch you can’t ever fully scratch type of arousal. And I feel so bad for young men going through this puberty who don’t know how to deal with it because even As an adult with coping skills and life experience, it was not easy, but here are two years in where that has settled down.

It’s not like I’m walking around like half-aroused all the time. Arousal is very easy, right? So. I am seeing someone and early on, it kind of became disruptive to both of our lives because anytime we both had time to get together around our other schedules, we were doing so, right? And this is another man, right?

So arousal is very easy for both of us. So it’s like, if the time and place work out, then this is happening. We’re getting together, right? And we started to notice for both of us that it was becoming disruptive to the rest of our lives because we were giving this so much time and we were spending so much time together that we were both slipping on attending to other things that were important to us.

So, for the complete. opposite reason, we also now have this practice of planning our times together in advance, so that we both have that time earmarked, we know it’s there, but also so that we both know when we’re not seeing each other, right? When we can attend to the other thing. So how interesting that In both cases, scheduling and planning is a great tool be it because you need transition time because you need time to get to a place where arousal is possible, or be it because like you’re always ready to be aroused and you need time for the rest of your dang life.

[00:18:21] Dusty: I would like the listeners to note that Ash just humble bragged to me about how much sex he’s having. Wow.

[00:18:27] Ash: Wow, that was not the intention, but I kind of did. Yeah, a little bit. Ha. Well, now I have to give the sidebar that humblebrag was actually that word was invented by Harris Whittles who was unfortunately he passed away, but he was comic writer on Parks and Rec and also a huge Fish fan.

So anyway, since you tossed that in the fish nerd and me just had to had to credit Harris for the humble brag. And yeah, I guess I kind of did humble brag a little bit. Wasn’t the intent, but is also true. And now that you’ve brought it up,

[00:18:58] Dusty: Okay. I have something to add here. Are you ready?

[00:19:01] Ash: I’m ready.

[00:19:02] Dusty: Okay, so, you know, most of the life experience I’ve had does skew more towards the like, you know, what we were talking about earlier, you know, boundaries, not being able to ask for what you want, feeling stressed with all the pressure and, you know, not like struggling to, to be able to be present and enjoy things more.

But I’ve had some experience to the opposite as well. And I’ll say like, I think something we also haven’t mentioned here that’s really important is the role of like rejection sensitivity. If you’re the partner who wants more sex, right? Again, Common thing that happens in relationship like I think like the second most common or maybe first most common relationship issue is like mismatched sexual desire or maybe it’s money.

I don’t know but it’s right up there, right? And so like this is a thing that lots of people have to deal with but when you have adhd and you’re rejection sensitive and you’re Impulsive and you’re like, whatever you are in the mood to do in the moment feels like you must do it Like I remember this time totally unrelated to sex But I was coaching and there were these like pair of like expensive hunter rubber boots on sale at the mall and I didn’t have like gum boots and I was like obsessing about these boots and I was like trying to do the mental math on like do I have enough time Between coaching calls to like run out and buy these boots and get back on time And I was like, what are you doing dusty?

Like you’re gonna make yourself late like just go buy the boots later but like I couldn’t stop hyper fixating on how much I wanted to like Go buy the boots and possibly like make myself late for coaching and so like when you have that strength of like I Want something that feeling of like I need I want something like my brain is craving the dopamine My brain is craving this and then like this other person is like, hey, I’m not in the mood or no Thanks, or maybe they’re like you’ve been really shitty as a partner lately and you like never clean up the house blah blah blah Right, like how do you cope with that rejection sensitivity without it?

You Because it’s really important that you don’t get into some dynamic where you’re now, like, intentionally, hopefully, or maybe intentionally, like, guilting someone and making them feel like, oh, like, you, you’re frigid, you’re holding out on me, you don’t love me, you don’t think I’m sexy, right? Like, how do you manage that higher level of desire with rejection sensitivity, I think is probably something really challenging for a lot of people.

[00:21:04] Ash: Dusty, I think that’s really interesting. I actually, going back to what I was just saying about my partner, I kind of had a little rejection sensitivity early on because he is neurodivergent, but he is not ADHD. And so he is much better at prioritizing and matching intention with action than I am. And I didn’t know him that well yet.

So when he started pulling back and we were scheduling time and suddenly impromptu. Meetups weren’t happening. I thought that he was pulling back from us, right? That something in this dynamic was no longer working for him. Maybe he wasn’t interested. And so I started to pull back as well. But what it ended up being was nothing more than he needed to get his priorities in order.

And actually in that way, that was a huge source of support for me. Right. Because again, everything else being equal, we were so enjoying our time together, but he was able to recognize in a way that I wasn’t that, okay, this is starting to become detrimental to my other life goals and I need to readjust.

 In addition to that, if you’re taking rejection personally, if you’re telling yourself a story that isn’t true, which we’re so good at doing as people with ADHD, right? So often our unwanted behavior comes from a story that we are telling ourselves that is not true and has no basis in reality.

So if you are reacting to rejection sensitivity and feeling like your partner doesn’t find you attractive or sexy or desirable, Even if that’s not true, that’s going to impact your desire to want to show up in sexual situations, right? Even if you are the person that is more sexual or hypersexual in that situation.

[00:22:47] Dusty: Yeah, and it probably gets tiring, like, we, I think, A lot of people with ADHD have had that experience of like, you get into emotional dysregulation and rumination and black and white thinking and like, you almost like don’t want to be talked off the ledge, right? You’re like, I’m the worst person in the world.

I suck. Or like, I’m ugly. You think I’m ugly. You’re not attracted to me. Like, it probably gets really tiring to be that, like, if you have bad self-esteem, which like a lot of people with ADHD do and you haven’t done the work, it’s probably tiring to be that partner who’s like, I’ve told you so many times, like, I think you’re attractive.

I think you’re beautiful. Like. It gets it’s frustrating to love someone and have them like rebuff you and not believe you when you say that you think that they’re like attractive or that you’re attracted to them or whatever. Right? And sometimes with ADHD, like we get like, the bad almost feels good when we get down on ourselves.

And like, it’s very important to do the work on your own self-esteem, because like, that probably plays into it as well. Right? Or like me, you know, if you’re looking, like you say, if you’re looking for the rejection, Yeah. Like figuring out how to be respectful of your partner and like everything we’re talking about, Ash, I think comes back to something you touched on, but we didn’t really get into, which is this idea of boundaries, right?

You know, you asked me earlier, like, what’s my personal experience? I would say like, like what that looks like, what my, what sex looks like for me now is really different from how it used to look. And at the risk of outing myself as like a huge slut, I think that in my younger years, like, the driving force for me was like novelty, right?

Like I found really, I had really good times when it was like novel, right? With like new people and like they’re, you know, it’s exciting. And then like you be with the same person for a while and like you get in a rut and like, Just like with anything whether it’s a planner or a person’s body. You’re like, oh, this is like old now Like I’m not interested this and in this anymore and like I’m learning to like figure out Okay, do I actually I’m actually attracted to this person’s I’m attracted to them or am I attracted to them because they’re making me feel Wanted and sexy and they’re new like what do I actually what are my real preferences, right?

That’s like the first thing but then after that like exactly what you’re saying like boundaries You know, and people-pleasing made a huge difference for me, like leaving my last marriage, I just like put my foot down and I was like, this is, I’m, I have a rule. Like, we’re doing one for one. Like I said earlier, I’m like, if you’re going there, I’m going there, right?

If we’re not both going there, like you’re not welcome in the bed, right? And like being able to set that boundary and also like learn to be able to advocate for things that made me feel comfortable or uncomfortable wasn’t possible in my younger years because I didn’t understand what it felt like to be uncomfortable.

Like when I was uncomfortable when I was like anxious, I had no framework for understanding what anxiety and discomfort felt like in my body. And when I became aware of what that felt like in my body, it was mind-blowing because I became aware of how uncomfortable I was in almost every situation, all the time, constantly.

Like, I was just always in my frickin amygdala and limbic system and just, like, on, like, fawn mode, right? Like, I was, like, fawning for everyone in every situation. And of course also in the bedroom, right? So like being able to recognize what discomfort feels like and say, you know what? Like something about this isn’t working for me or like I don’t want to do this or like Could you do more of this?

That’s very hard to learn, especially if you’re a person with ADHD and you don’t really know how to advocate for your boundaries in the first place. So I think that was the thing that made a key difference in, in like my experience of like what sexual contact was like for me. And so now it’s, you know, it’s like really different in a positive way.

Right. It’s been a journey. But yeah, like. Every, there’s so many things, like, you know, people pleasing, boundaries, rejection sensitivity, hyperarousal or hyperarousal, like, at the end of the day, there’s just, ADHD, like, ADHD is in the mix, you know?

[00:26:33] Ash: Tessie, I find it absolutely fascinating that what you just described is kind of what I just went through in the last year. Again I was missing a huge piece of information about myself the last time I was single and so there was a lot that I didn’t know about. What I enjoy about sex, what I’m looking for what’s okay for me or not okay for me.

And the last year has been a huge learning curve there. And so I have a lot to say about that, but we’re out of time for today. And I think that’ll be a great lead in next time to our part two, which is how do you start to build a sex life that works for you as a person with ADHD? Whatever other challenges you might have, be they gender-based, be they situation based be they your unique ADHD challenges.

So that’s where we’ll pick up next week. But for this week, I’m Ash.

[00:27:30] Dusty: And I’m Dusty.

[00:27:31] Ash: And this was the Translating ADHD podcast. Thanks for listening.