In this episode, hosts Ash and Dusty delve into the complexities of parenting as neurodivergent individuals. They share personal experiences about their journeys as parents of neurodivergent children, highlighting the unique challenges they face. From managing communication differences and emotional regulation to the impact of external judgments on parenting choices, the discussion emphasizes the importance of flexible frameworks that cater to individual family needs rather than conforming to societal expectations.
The hosts also stress the necessity of community support in navigating these challenges. They discuss strategies for creating meaningful connections with their children, including finding common interests and accommodating individual needs during parenting. Ultimately, they encourage listeners to let go of perfectionism and embrace a more compassionate approach to parenting, focusing on modeling authenticity and flexibility for their children.
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Episode Transcript:
[00:00:01] Ash: Hi, I’m Ash.
Secondly, I have two group coaching offerings coming up in January. Both are $750 for eight weeks. Purpose begins January 13th. Project X begins January 14th. Both classes meet at 8:30 PM Eastern for eight weeks. For more information, visit TranslatingADHD.com and click on the group coaching tab.
So, Dusty.
[00:00:49] Dusty: So, Asher. [00:00:50] Ash: What are we talking about today? [00:00:52] Dusty: We’re talking about ADHD and parenting. [00:00:55] Ash: Tough topic. I have a teenager. It’s definitely a tough topic. [00:00:58] Dusty: I have a six year old and a twenty-two or twenty-three year old stepchild. I should probably know that, but I’m bad at math. [00:01:07] Ash: Sorry. There’s a joke there. I just can’t. No, I don’t. I got nothing. [00:01:11] Dusty: I can’t even remember how old I am. So, they were born in, oh, no wait, I can figure it out. They were born in 2002 so they must be 22 because it’s 2024. [00:01:20] Ash: What’s funny is I have no idea whether that math is right or not, but I’m going to take your word for it. [00:01:25] Dusty: Listeners, let us know if someone born in 2002 is 22 this year. [00:01:31] Ash: So what do you got when it comes to parenting? [00:01:34] Dusty: Oh my God. A lot of problems, insecurities, fears. What do you got? [00:01:39] Ash: The same. It’s really tough. I’m currently navigating the middle school years with my kid. My kid is also neurodivergent, also ADHD, so struggles to fit in at school, struggles with emotional regulation at home.And interestingly enough, and I think this is really challenging as both a neurodivergent parent and an ADHD coach, her presentations in terms of her neurodivergence are very different than mine. And that can cause real struggle in our household. For example, I’m hyperverbal. I figure stuff out by talking about it. In fact those that are close to me know that sometimes I will just say, can I talk at you about something? And when I say that, I mean, you may or may not have any input here. I’m not even that attached to your attention in terms of listening to what I’m saying. I just more than anything want to hear myself talk out loud. And if you hear something that you have something to say about great, but if not, just letting me talk about it out loud is really helpful for me. That’s how I figure stuff out.
My kid is the opposite. When she gets overwhelmed, she goes very non verbal. And that has been a parenting struggle of mine for a long time, as she goes nonverbal, and I’m in that parenting mode where I can see she’s overwhelmed and about to melt down, and all I want to do is fix it. I want to correct the situation in whatever way I can, but she’s not able to tell me in that moment what she needs, right?
And for a long time that caused us to butt heads because I would be frustrated that you’re overwhelmed, and I want to fix it. Just tell me how. And I was failing to understand that she didn’t know how to tell me how. She just didn’t have words in that moment.
[00:03:30] Dusty: Well, it’s good. I mean, it sounds like you have figured that out, though. And that’s like, sounds like it’s made a big difference for you guys. [00:03:37] Ash: It has. And that’s kind of one of the things I wanted to touch on in this episode, is I think a hard thing with being neurodivergent and being a parent is not getting into a reactive place, not taking -especially if you’re parenting neurodivergent children – not taking things so personally, not getting into that reactive mode where their upsettiness, you immediately take that on as your fault. [00:04:06] Dusty: Yeah. And I mean, obviously like my child is a lot younger, but I’m going to try. Once I figured out about like self regulation and co regulation and like that is was really the name of the game, like it’s so crazy, because my mom was like a huge disciplinarian. She really valued like obedience and good manners and it was great.Canadian Thanksgiving here, and last night I had a friend over and she actually asked me like, Oh, so what is different about how you’re parenting your child from how you were parented? And, and that’s what I said. I said, I think, I don’t think my kid is afraid of me.
You know, she’s got quite a big attitude. She’s quite oppositional. It’s cause she’s not afraid of me. But when I was a kid, I would never have, you know, been difficult or challenging because my mom could just like give me a look, and I would, like I was very meek, and the thing is that because my child is not afraid of me, she’s not afraid to like, show her big emotions.
And so, for me like it’s interesting because sometimes she’ll be acting out in a way where I see other people, like whether it’s friends, acquaintances or just like strangers, kind of like looking in this way like oh my god, like control your kid, because when she’s upset like sometimes she says things that are like really mean.
I mean, she’s six, right? She’ll say some really awful things, like I hate you and blah blah, right. And she’ll like, you know throw a fit. And the thing is that once I figured out the emotional regulation was key, like I would regulate myself, and I’m like now when my kid is freaking out, which happens more and more rarely, I’m like so calm, like I’m like a stone. And I’m like, I don’t mean I’m cold, I just mean that I’m like super chill, right?
And so because I’m staying regulated, I can very quickly assess that what she needs is co regulation, and so, I’ll pick her up, or I’ll snuggle her, or I’ll just, like, reflect her feelings back at her, right? Like, oh my god, you’re feeling so mad right now, right? And if she says some horrible crap to me, I don’t go, don’t you talk to me like that! Or, like, don’t use that tone with me! I go, like, I just, like, pick her up and give her a cuddle. And then she, like, so quickly, like, she can change so quickly to, like, being okay.
So that’s how we get through it, right? When she’s, like, quote unquote, misbehaving, And it looks like I’m coddling her, it looks like I’m, you know, enabling her, but I know that that’s the quickest way to get to the behavior I want, which is like behaving well, whatever that is.
But I think what other people see is like, they see her, you know, behaving, acting out in this way, and they think, oh my god, like, you don’t control your kid. But the thing is that what I know is like, actually, I do. It just, it looks totally different than how it would look for someone else. And that was hard for me to learn because I was raised with such an insistence on obedience, right?
So, at first, when we started having this problem, when my daughter started acting out and having emotional regulation struggles, that’s what I was doing, right? I was saying, don’t use that tone with me and like, oh, you don’t talk back to me. And what happened? Power struggle. It just escalated and escalated and escalated.
And I, like, there were a couple times that my daughter got so angry, so upset and could not calm down and was like, you know, it was like she was beyond upset. And I just realized like this isn’t gonna work this way, like this is not how it works for us.
[00:07:06] Ash: Dusty, that brings up an interesting point, which is the judgment from other people as a parent. It never doesn’t feel like you’re in somewhat of a fishbowl. Everyone has opinions about parenting. When I went through it with my kid – different thing because my kid, unlike your kid is the one that shuts down.So we don’t have the acting out in public just because her M.O. is just completely shut down. But what we did struggle with for a long time was picky eating. And let me tell you, everyone has something to say about picky eating. Oh, I’m not cooking two meals for my kid. I would make them. I would blah, blah, blah. I would this, I would that. And let me tell you, Dusty, I read every book there is to read on picky eating. I was nuts when my kid was young. I handmade all of her baby food for her first couple of years. I did everything you’re quote unquote, supposed to do to set your kid up to be like a well balanced eater and have a healthy relationship with food.
And at the end of the day, she’s autistic. And that’s one of her manifestations of autism is she is a picky eater, and she comes by that honestly, because I am also a picky eater and so is my mother. And for similar reasons to her, like it’s texture, it’s an unfamiliar flavor.
And so I finally reached a point – she was still really young – I finally reached a point where I was like, you know what? Dinner time being a battleground every night is no fun for anyone. Like we need to rethink how we are approaching this. Like we just need to do something different. So I think one of the hardest things to do is to like, let go of that perfectionism and just lean into your, who your kid actually is.
It’s like my kid just is a picky eater and things got so much better in our household when my co-parent and I pivoted to accommodating that versus trying to force a different outcome because of the judgment of other people, because of the advice that we’d been given, because of the belief that there’s some quote unquote solution out there for this problem.
[00:09:28] Dusty: Yeah. And I mean, people are so moralistic about food and about parenting, but like, now we’re back to talking about flexible frameworks, right? Because that’s the thing. A lot of the standard parenting advice, the prevailing parenting advice is not applicable to neurodivergent youth, kids.And like what you’re talking about is like, okay, I don’t, I’m not autistic. I don’t have autism. And as a kid, like I remember eating a wide variety of foods. I’ve always enjoyed a wide variety of foods. I certainly, you know, like anybody, love my like carbs and sugars and McDonald’s and whatever, but it’s never been, like if I ever didn’t want to eat something, there was always enough foods that I could eat. Like for me, I remember I know what it’s like not to be a picky eater, and I remember what it was like to be raised trying different foods.
And so, people will give you that advice, you know, oh, like, you just gotta like, you know, make them eat it, or don’t give them other options, or whatever, right? But it’s because they don’t understand, and they don’t have the experience of like, okay, no. It’s not the case that if a kid is hungry enough, they’ll eat it.
Like these kids, these autistic kids will like literally starve themselves and put them into some, put themselves into like nutritional deficiencies. Like it’s not the same thing. And forcing kids to eat, you know, especially neurodivergent kids, like now we know we have a lot of better data on like this leads to like eating disorders, right?
And there’s a connection here between like eating disorders and being neurodivergent. So we also want to be mindful of that. But like, just the prevailing advice like, oh, you know, your kids should be obedient. Your kids should eat what you make. That the rules are all gone when it comes to neurodivergent kids. We have different rules, so we need flexible frameworks.
[00:11:02] Ash: Rules also don’t apply to neurodivergent parents. Parenting is such a struggle, particularly with ADHD. Oh my gosh. At the middle school level, at least at my kids middle school, it’s a huge school. Her class is like 500 kids. And so all communication is digital. It comes in multiple ways. I get emails, I get text messages, I get this, I get that. And there’s no distinguishing. This is general information. Then this is something you actually need to look at. It’s just information overload. It’s awful.And for a number of years as the, at the time, mother, ha ha ha, of my kid, I felt like it was my job to be on top of that stuff. And I made myself crazy doing it. I suck at it. I’m no good at it. Guess who is good at that kind of stuff? My co-parent is amazing at the administrative stuff. And you know what he doesn’t like? The face-to-face stuff at the school.
So we have figured out how to divide and conquer those things. But we faced a lot of like casual judgment for that based on gender roles at the time, you know, people kind of looking at me like, oh, he does that. Like, yeah, he does, particularly since he was working full time. And at the time I wasn’t – people had a lot to say about that.
But again, this is completely about flexible frameworks. You just have to let go of what is quote unquote normal and start to figure out – just like we do with our clients, with anything else – start to figure out what works for you and your kid, who is just a tiny human with their own needs, with their own challenges, with their own uniquely wired brain that is likely different from yours. Than yours.
[00:12:55] Dusty: Question. So when you transition, does your child still, does your child call you dad? Or do they have a, how do they address you? [00:13:04] Ash: She calls me dad. A funny thing that she does when – this has actually become like a fun little, like, coding between us actually – when I’m getting on her nerves is I’ll get a ‘father,’ right? Yes, father. I know how to do X, Y, and Z. Or no father, or leave me alone, father. Right? So it’s this little bit of humor.My kid is also queer. So like, she recognizes like gender affirmation in that alongside the, hey, you’re annoying me right now. So that’s become, that’s become kind of a funny little shorthand for us of, you know, in a way of being disarming about it that like, Hey dad, you’re getting on my nerves a little bit, like slow your roll. Right. But in a way that I hear her, I understand her. We both have a laugh about it, and we pivot from there.
[00:13:50] Dusty: Yeah. It’s interesting. Cause like I have a couple of close friends who helped me with parenting a lot who are non binary, and there’s really no good, like gender neutral, something between like aunt and uncle. There’s just not a good, there’s not a good one.There’s like, there’s like, some people have said like, grunkle or auntie and stuff. And I just, they’re all kind of like, I don’t know. There’s, we haven’t quite got that really good term there yet. Because you could, if it’s your parent and they’re non binary, you can just say, that’s my parent, right? Like, my stepchild is non binary, so I say that’s my stepchild. But when it comes to an aunt or uncle or like the sibling of your parent, there’s not a good gender neutral term, and it’s driving me crazy.
[00:14:26] Ash: Which is interesting because there is one for the other direction, right? Nibling is a great term for that. If you have a non binary… [00:14:32] Dusty: Nephew or person that would be like a niece or nephew. [00:14:36] Ash: Yes. [00:14:37] Dusty: Yeah. Okay. Back on topic. So, so, so flexible frameworks. I think this is the thing, right? We’re talking about this idea of you need a different playbook, but because there’s so much shame and judgment, this is absolutely an area where people get into perfectionism.Like I remember, I was, I once coached this woman and she was like really stressed about giving her kids like, quote unquote, healthy food. And so we were talking about it, and she was like, Oh, like she didn’t want to give her kids, and these were little, little kids, like toddlers, goldfish crackers. And I’m like, dude, goldfish crackers are baked, like what? And in that instance, the right way to go was, I said, you know, I’ve, we’ve had it, we had a child about the same age, and I said, you know, I give my child goldfish crackers, and I’m a really good parent. And she was just like, Oh, and it like blew her mind. And it just, I felt the weight come off her shoulders. Like, okay. Right.
But like getting into perfectionism about how we’re parenting. And then there’s all the shame because you fall so short of that standard, you know, because that standard is impossible, even if you’re not neurodivergent, but especially if you’re neurodivergent.
So it like, how do you get to a flexible framework? It’s about community, right? And like the biggest thing that I’m always telling my clients, any client who’s struggling with anything, but especially the parents, you need, this is a, like a deal breaker, like you need it. This is non negotiable, a neurodivergent parenting community, like you need to know other parents who have the same type of brain as you, who can validate your struggles, who under, who can give you relevant advice. And who also know what you’re talking about.
Because I remember one time I was having trouble actually getting my daughter to eat, right? She didn’t want to sit at the table and eat. And I was asking some friends, because they had a child who seemed like very, like quite obedient, like very, just not, she, you know, she wasn’t oppositional at all. And so I was asking them like, how do you get your daughter to eat. And they said, oh, well, that’s so funny. They said, oh, well, we tell her that if she doesn’t eat that she can’t have dessert. And I go, I was like, huh? Okay. And what do you do when she flips the table? And they were like well, that’s never happened.
And I’m like, okay, we’re not having the same parenting experience. I’m sorry. That’s not going to help me. Cause if I tell my daughter that she doesn’t get dessert if she doesn’t finish her dinner, she’s going to throw her plate across the table and is gonna hit the wall. And then she’s gonna have a meltdown, and that like, that’s not gonna make her eat. That’s gonna make us both freak out. It doesn’t help me
[00:16:53] Ash: And Dusty, when you pursue perfectionism as a parent, you’re also putting that on your kid. Right? You’re putting that on your kid, and you may not be showing up for them in the way that they need. The example that you just gave, if you were trying to have the perfect experience from the outside looking in, that would be in direct opposition to what your kid actually needs in that moment. So who is that helping? Who is that serving? Nobody. Some unknown person that might judge you as a parent. [00:17:27] Dusty: Exactly. Yeah. And so like having one of the big things for me was when my daughter started school, I had a really hard time getting her to school, getting her out the door, like the transitions were hard, and I was feeling really bad about it. And I talked to a couple of my friends who were like, Oh yeah, like we get our, I like, my kid is late to school very often too. Right.And although that didn’t solve my problem, it went a long way to just helping me feel like, Oh, okay. This isn’t like the end of the world. Like I’m not the only person getting their kid to school late, you know, a couple times a week. And that just like was so hugely helpful because I was just feeling so much guilt and shame about it.
[00:18:01] Ash: I want to pivot a little bit and talk about some interesting learning I’ve had with my 14-year-old in the last few years. Something that we’ve both struggled with, I would say in the last five years or so, so about that age that your child stops being interested in what you’re interested in, just because you’re interested in it and starts cultivating their own interests.It became harder and harder for us to find ways to spend real quality time together, absent the few go-to’s, right? Movies, things like that, because if she’s not into it or I’m not into it, we struggle to hold our attention on it. And my kid is into so many fandoms at any given time. She got really bad about trying to info dump on me, all of the different fandom things.
And I just, I couldn’t, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t keep up. I just couldn’t do it. And so a beautiful thing that’s been working really well for us is to find the intersection of this – is something I like, that based on what I know about you, I think you might like.
So in my case, I’m often bringing old movies to the table. We watched Beetlejuice. My kid really likes horror and psychological horror and so, and also likes kind of absurdist humor. So I thought that she would really like Beetlejuice. And with Beetlejuice 2 coming out, we watched Beetlejuice.
And she’s got a friend that’s really into David Bowie, so we also watched Labyrinth. I watched a YouTube series with her that she really likes, and we really enjoyed it. And it had a really similar plot line to the Matrix. So I was like, we should watch the Matrix.
And so it’s this really nice give and take, where when we’re sitting down to do something together, it’s because we both want to be doing the thing rather than one of us feeling like we have to hold our attention. And especially the 14 year old, and a 14 year old that’s prone to like shutting down and withdrawing. It’s nice to have those openings, those kind of things that we can go to.
And the other thing that works really well is my kid, for whatever reason, really loves running errands with me. And so that has kind of become our space for her to talk to me if there’s something to talk about, right?
So I often worry as a parent that I’m not checking in enough, that I don’t know what’s going on enough. And so having that weekly – or let’s be real, biweekly, sometimes tri weekly, when the cupboard starts to get really empty – time that we spend together, just that time in the car creates an opening so that my kid can talk to me if there’s something to talk about.
And I find that if there is something to talk about, it will usually come out. And so it alleviates stress on my end. It’s a nice little ritual for us. It’s a nice little accountability thing for me to actually get the errands done because my kid values that time that we spend together.
[00:20:59] Dusty: Oh my god, I’m like getting so emotional listening to you. I’m like almost tearing up. I don’t know if you can tell because like when I was just listening to you, I was thinking like, damn, I wish that my mom had had that level of interest in me. Like as I was hearing you talk, it was just occurring to me that like I can’t think of a single, my mom’s passed away, but like, I can’t think of a single thing that we used to like, do together, or anything that we used to like, share.Like, obviously she took care of me, but like, I don’t think that she ever like, talked to me about my interests or showed any interest in my interests. And like we certainly never like really did much together like that, and like that’s so huge
I would remember like when my mom would give me like birthday presents or Christmas presents. They would always be so weird, and I’d be like you could just tell I it felt like you don’t know me at all, you know what I mean? And like, that’s so hugely important to just like, find something that you guys can do together. You have a mutual interest. And like you can, you actually have, yeah, like, because now your child’s going to have like those memories, right? That’s like so cool.
And what a great idea because yeah, I think one of the things that I hear a lot from younger parents, because again, I’m myself a younger parent, but I’m also supporting a lot of people in pregnancy. So I hear a lot of the early toddler year stuff is one of the things that a lot of neurodivergent parents are struggling with, is like not being able to fake interest in something that their kids want to do. Or struggling to like play, or do imaginative play with their kids.
And they feel like they’re really bad parents, because it seems like that’s one of the things we should do. But when you have ADHD, like, and something is boring to you, it’s like pretty, it’s really hard to sustain your interest. So it sounds like you found a really creative way around it.
[00:22:41] Ash: Exactly. And it’s, I will say it’s gotten easier as she’s gotten older, right? It’s very easy to talk to a 14 year old about what they like and don’t like, what they like doing and what they don’t like doing. And we do have a relationship where she’s very honest with me. So if she doesn’t want to do something, she’ll just tell me. [00:23:01] Dusty: If you could identify, like, what do you think are the key things that make parenting with neurodivergence, as a neurodivergent parent, like, different or harder? Like, what is it that makes it, yeah, different or challenging? [00:23:12] Ash: Well, I think what you just talked about, spending quality time with kids, especially when they’re younger, can be really tough. That was a huge struggle for me until my kid got older, until we could really start to find those common things that we both had mutual interest in doing.But I also think the day to day life of it all is just hard. I’m kind of dealing with that twofold right now because my kid changed school districts last year. So my co-parent and I, by choice, live in different school districts. We actually did that so that we had the option to change to the school district that I live in if we wanted to employ that option. And it turned out to be a really positive change for my kid, and we’re glad that it was there, but he lives 30 minutes across town.
And again, we – my kid is old enough – she was part of this conversation of if you, if it’s important to you to go to dad’s house a couple of times a week, he will come get you and we’ll adhere to the schedule. But my kid was like, no, when we do that, I feel like I’m never settled in one place. Like that’s, that’s silly. And that’s pointless. So by mutual agreement of all of us, I have her all week, every week during the school years.
And I said earlier, I’m not the one that’s good at the routine stuff. My co-parent is. When we were still married, he by and large handled the grocery shopping, handled dinner, handled those types of things. And it’s been a learning curve, and a tough one at that, to keep up on everything. To double the laundry, double the amount of dinners that need to be made, double everything. It’s been a learning curve and a struggle.
And I think where I’ve struggled maybe less than others would in my situation is just my background as an ADHD coach, right? Kind of shortcutting the shame and blame, and allowing myself to let it be easy where I can let it be easy. For example, one of the foods that my kid really likes is rice. And so I bought myself a $200 rice maker because making rice on the stove top is A. a pain in the ass, and B. requires like a lot of focused attention to get good rice versus…
[00:25:22] Dusty: And if you burn it, all the rice tastes burnt. [00:25:24] Ash: Right. Versus this machine, if I follow the instructions up front and then put the rice in the thing and press a button 60 minutes later, every single time, perfect, perfect rice. Same with, I bought a like a countertop grill cause my kid likes grilled chicken and grilled fish. Those, both of those things are pretty much in our weekly rotation in terms of food.So again, you know, not just letting it be easy where I can let it be easy. Not giving into that story of, Oh, I should be doing this, or I should be doing that. Like, this is what my kid likes. How can I work around that? And then building from there, like, just not, not letting the shame spiral suck me in has been really, really huge there.
And I think that’s probably like, if you walk away with anything listeners, like that’s probably the number one thing is not giving into shame and instead leading with curiosity. Who am I, and who is my kid, and what’s going to work for both of us? And when I say both of you, I mean, both of you. Put yourself in that picture too. You may be a parent, but you’re still a person.
[00:26:33] Dusty: The problem I have is I’m like the opposite of you. I am very hyperactive. And so is my daughter. And I can’t calm down. I can’t. So I’m really good at doing all the things, like getting the laundry done, doing the shopping, do the cleaning. But I have a really hard time stopping and paying attention to her and slowing down and spending quality time.And I still struggle with the shame around it. And because, you know, I feel like I’m often like kind of ignoring her and she’ll be like, mom, mom, she wants my attention, but I’m like, you know, I’m a single parent, and so I’m trying to get everything done, and I have to do those things. Somebody has to make the lunches. Somebody has to feed the pets. Somebody has to, you know, like I got to do all these things. But at the same time, when she wants my attention, I don’t want her to be getting the message that I’m not available to her. Right. And she’s very hyper herself. So she wants a lot of attention. And also she’s usually like getting into something she’s not supposed to be getting into. Right.
So I’m like the other way around, but I think, you know, there’s, there’s so many interesting things that I’ve noticed that are ADHD things that, that I’ve had to mitigate in parenting. Like, okay, impulsivity, right? Like you were talking earlier about how your child opens up to you. I have, so like I mentioned, I have a stepchild, and I also have some nieces and nephews who are older, and it’s really hard for me to hold space for them even though I’m a coach, and my job is to listen, to not jump in with like advice or like, oh my god, you’re not supposed to be doing that, right? Because if you want older kids to keep opening up to you, the surest way to make that stop happening is to like go, oh my god, you did what, right? So like you really have to fight your impulsivity, right?
And same with my younger daughter. I don’t want her to like get all that negative feedback. I don’t want our whole day to be, don’t touch that, don’t do this, right? So I keep holding back on that impulsivity, which is tiring. It’s costing me spoons all day. And then like again, we talked about emotional regulation, like I have to do my own emotional regulation a lot.
And then I’ve like really had to up my game in terms of structure, because sometimes it’ll be eight o’clock, and I haven’t even thought of dinner. And my kid goes, I’m hungry. And I’m like, oh my God. Right? You need to eat. Right. And so like having pre-existing structures that I follow and routines has been really helpful.
And like, having a community, right? I’ve talked about a community already, but one of the things I’ve always said is I’ve never wanted to be a single parent. And even though I just said I’m a single parent, I’m also kind of not. Like there’s never been, I’ve always had a three-to-one ratio of adults to children. So I used to, it used to be my ex-husband and my mom and I. And then when my ex-husband and I separated, it was my mom and I had a friend move in. So my mom and my friend and I.
When my mom passed away, I had a boyfriend, so then it was myself and my friend and my boyfriend. And now I’ve got two roommates, and my friend who used to live with me lives just down the street and often comes over, and I’ve got my boyfriend that I have now who also often comes over. So sometimes we have a five-to-one ratio of adult to children.
But there’s always – sometimes I can’t slow down and pay attention to her – but there’s always someone who can. And like, sometimes I have some feelings about that. Like, I wish I could just sit and play with her and not have to do the laundry and the dishes and everything. And sometimes I make that happen. But mostly I just try to practice gratitude that like, okay, someone’s there to play with her when I don’t have the patience or the time, someone’s there to listen to her. If I don’t have the spoons, like she’s always got enough adults around that she’s getting all her needs met.
And I did that on purpose, right? I don’t try to do it by myself because I know that I can’t, or I wouldn’t want to, it wouldn’t be as good as how I have it. And the thing is that I always tell people that they need community, but it’s interesting because I feel like the parents that I work with are more likely to be isolated, right? Just like as we all are with people with ADHD, sometimes we have fewer friends. Sometimes we have smaller friend groups.
So that’s a problem when you become a parent. If you don’t have people that you can ask for help. It’s not just about having someone to kvetch with and just and have them normalize your experience. Like, you also, I think, need, if you want to have a really good positive parenting experience, especially with little, little kids like toddlers, babies, and youth, like having people who you can send them on playdates with. You know, you can bring, I will often ask people to bring their kids over to my house and drop them off for playdates because when my daughter is playing with someone else, she’s leaving me alone. I can get stuff done and I don’t feel guilty because she’s not like, Mom play with me, play with me. Right? So I’m like, dude, drop your kids off here.
But like also vice versa, having other people to like help with different things who have kids has been like a lifesaver. And you can’t do that if you don’t know people, if you’re not maintaining your social connections. And that is something that is like hard for lots of people with ADHD. So there’s, you know, there’s sort of layers going on.
[00:31:02] Ash: I would say the complaint that I hear on the other side of that from my clients who aren’t parents, especially if they’re of a particular age where everyone’s starting to have kids, is that they feel isolated differently. That suddenly there’s no role for them. And so here’s where two things can be true. like don’t drop your friendships with your childless or child-free friends. [00:31:27] Dusty: Oh my God, make them help. Make it okay. If they feel like they don’t have a role, tell them to go to their very tired, stressed out parent friends and be like, What can I do? Can I take your kid to the park? Please take my kid to the park. [00:31:38] Ash: Yes. And that’s – differently than you, and I think this is largely based on the fact that my kid and I are different people than you. we both have a more inattentive presentation and we’re both more introverted – we would, neither one of us would thrive well in a household with as many people that live in your household.But my best friend and her husband have been like aunt and uncle to my kid since she was like three. They take her overnights. They take her out to look at Christmas lights and to do fun stuff throughout the year. They took her on a trip last summer, a big one. That was their first like major thing that they did together, and everyone had so much fun.
And I’m a big believer in that it takes a village. So when other friends expressed an interest, some newer friends of mine, a gay couple I went over to their house for the first time and they were like, by the way, like, if you’re coming over, your kid is also always welcome. Like, we love kids. We love hanging out with kids. And I was like, cool. I’m always open to expanding their circle as well. And you know, it’s one of those many hands lighten the load. Right.
[00:32:38] Dusty: At the end of the day, we’re saying the same thing, right? And it’s good, it kind of goes to show you, right? Like you met one person with ADC, you met one person with ADC, like your particular, if you have a neurodivergent child, which you’re more likely to have if you’re neurodivergent. So we’ve got, you know, two things, two things happening at once, right? You, whether they’re, you know, more inattentive or more hyperactive or more autistic or whatever, like you still, there’s still some role, I think, for like having a big network and community to play. [00:33:04] Ash: We’re out of time. Do you want to, do you have some parting thoughts? [00:33:08] Dusty: Yeah, I mean, I think just like, again, sending home like, like what you said, the first step is like eliminating shame and perfectionism and just embracing that flexible framework and that identity of like, okay, I’m a neurodivergent parent. What does this mean for me? Like, what do I need to watch out for?And then like, don’t be afraid to use the same kind of strategies that would help you with your ADHD in any situation. Respect will be helpful here. If you can let go of the, well, I shouldn’t need to, right? I have set an alarm sometimes to pay attention to my kid or play with my kid, or I’ve done like a little habit tracker about it to make sure that I’m taking her outside once a day, right? Like, whatever is going to work to cue you and remind you to be who you want to be as a parent. Use what you need to show up how you want to show up and like, ask for help and have a community. I think those are the key things.
[00:33:57] Ash: And the only thing I will add to that, and that’s been my approach for a long time as a parent is that your kids aren’t looking for perfectionism from you. They’re not, they’re looking for you to be a good enough, reliable enough, supportive enough human being. That’s it. That’s it. And modeling perfectionism for them doesn’t help, right?So that’s something I talk to my clients a lot about actually when we’re talking about parenting is when we frame it in terms of what are you modeling? I had a client that was pursuing a PhD, a pretty difficult PhD, while also having three young children at home. And what she felt like was the conflict between this role as mother and this role as academic. That script got entirely flipped when we started talking about modeling because it’s like, oh, I want my children to feel like they can pursue their dreams too. And I am still a whole person as well as being a parent, and that was not modeled for me, but that is what I want to model for my kids because what was modeled for me didn’t serve me in a number of ways.
And so here’s my opportunity to break the mold. So it took this negative storytelling of I’m not doing enough or I’m dividing my attention. I’m not spending enough time, to know at the end of the day, I’m modeling for my kids what I want to be modeling for them. So that can be a helpful way to think about it, too, is how are you showing up, and what are you modeling for your kids? Are you modeling perfectionism and guilt and shame, or are you modeling flexibility and willingness to kind of meet them where they are and meet yourself where you are?
[00:35:41] Dusty: Mm hmm. Well said. [00:35:43] Ash: Thank you. I think that’s a good place for us to wrap for today, Dusty. So, listeners, until next week, I’m Ash. [00:35:49] Dusty: I’m Dusty. [00:35:50] Ash: And this was the Translating ADHD podcast. Thanks for listening.
