Navigating Identity: ADHD and the Search for Self

In this episode of Translating ADHD, hosts Ash and Dusty explore the complex relationship between ADHD and personal identity. They discuss how the challenges of ADHD can obscure one’s sense of self, leading to feelings of confusion and frustration when trying to differentiate between authentic traits and behaviors shaped by neurodivergence. Through personal anecdotes and client experiences, they highlight the importance of understanding strengths and challenges as intertwined aspects of identity, emphasizing that it’s possible to embrace a multifaceted self rather than getting caught in all-or-nothing thinking.

The conversation also delves into practical strategies for navigating identity work, including exercises for self-reflection and the role of coaching in fostering self-awareness. Ash and Dusty encourage listeners to recognize that their identities are not strictly defined by their ADHD but are part of a broader, richer tapestry of experiences. By acknowledging both strengths and challenges, individuals can cultivate a more nuanced understanding of who they are, leading to greater self-acceptance and empowerment.

Episode links + resources:

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• About Asher and Dusty
• Resources from this podcast
  • Values and Needs Exercise
  • Rewriting the Rules by Meg John Barker

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Episode Transcript:

[00:00:00] Ash: Hi, I’m Ash.

[00:00:03] Dusty: And I’m Dusty.

[00:00:04] Ash: And this is Translating ADHD. Dusty, you and I were having an interesting conversation off microphone about something I said to you about how relentlessly yourself you are, and that brought up for me how much ADHD and a poor sense of identity go together. That’s something I’ve really been noticing in my coaching work. I’m curious if you notice the same thing with your clients.

[00:00:30] Dusty: Yeah, there’s definitely one client in particular. And I see this more with some of my clients who are ADHD, right? Because there’s that process of unmasking, and in unmasking, you’re like, I mean, not that we don’t mask with ADHD as well we do, but it’s like pretty different, right? And so I think, especially for the autistic clients, as they’re on unmasking and starting to separate out, like, how much of this is authentically me and how much of this is the mask, it can get really confusing.

I find that sometimes with ADHD you’re so impressionable, you get so caught up in other people’s stuff and other people’s vibes that it can be hard to differentiate between what is authentically you versus what is something you’re just kind of excited about or swept up in. So I do see that, yeah.

[00:01:11] Ash: Absolutely. And I have that with my ADHD clients as well. I actually had one a few weeks ago ask me exactly that question. In kind of a heartbreaking way, right, out of frustration, what’s me, and what’s neurodivergence, or learned behavior because of neurodivergence. And so let’s kind of start by talking about why it’s hard to have a strong sense of identity with ADHD.

And by the way, there’s some interesting published research out there that looks at this in adolescence. So, I first became interested in identity, and I have to give props to Denslow Brown of Coach Approach because she had, as part of her neurodivergence course, she had an exercise on identities that I found really helpful for myself.

And along that same time, I started noticing differently that I was already doing identity work with my clients, right? Oftentimes my clients are coming either pretty newly diagnosed or newly re diagnosed, meaning they were diagnosed in adolescence but hadn’t done anything with that information for quite some time. And that alone kind of shakes your sense of self – that moment of diagnosis.

And it seems to follow this arc of there’s initial relief of, oh, hey, there’s an answer for this. There’s a reason that I struggle in the ways that I struggle, but then followed by this kind of like resignation, right? So I know that I have ADHD, but that information isn’t serving me and having a different experience. So I guess I’m just stuck being like this. And this is how I’m always going to be

[00:02:53] Dusty: Yeah, and you and Cam had that great episode about grief and ADHD, and I talk with that with clients a lot, right, about this idea that, like, when you get a diagnosis and you kind of really start to realize the implications of that, that there is a bit of grieving that you have to go through for your past self and for your future self and you know, who you thought you were going to be, but maybe you’re not going to be that person.

And I think I said this in an earlier episode, but yeah, like ADHD is like an onion, right? So there’s so many layers and it’s not uncommon that, you know, in coaching, a lot of people will be like, Oh, I didn’t realize that this was part of ADHD. I didn’t realize that this was part of my ADHD. And then that’s exactly where they get to, like, how much, what’s me and what’s my ADHD?

[00:03:34] Ash: Exactly what’s me and what’s my ADHD. And why does that happen? Well, there’s a number of reasons. First of all, there’s this thing that Cam and I always called one down, right? This sort of defensive place that we learned to exist in as ADHD people. Where does that come from? Well, it comes from other people’s negative reactions to our ADHD behaviors, right?

That being late to turn things in, not completing, not showing up on time. We tend to see ourselves as that person because that’s what’s being reflected back to us. And on top of that, as people with ADHD, we challenge is the big signal. So that feedback we hear and retain, and that starts to form our sense of self. Meanwhile, we can be completely unaware of our strengths and unique. You know, so often on this show, I’ve said, Cam has said, Dusty, I think you’ve even said it, that you don’t necessarily need a coach to do this work.

But this is one place where uniquely I think coaching is such a strong way to address questions of identity because coaching is inherently strengths based. So one of my jobs as a coach is to help my clients see and hear their unique strengths, right? And it’s not that I tell my clients all the time that it’s not that challenge is going to go away.

Where we’re trying to get to is a place where strength and challenge are on an equal playing field. So it’s not that we’re going to erase challenge. ADHD challenge is always going to be there, but when you can see and appreciate your strengths and unique value, who you are and what you’re bringing to the table, that is a complete game changer.

[00:05:15] Dusty: Yeah, and I think there’s something to be said here for even the role that that ADHD brain plays in our ability to see ourselves because you know, at least for me, and I don’t know if you had this experience, but when I was younger I would sort of oscillate wildly between like self hate and like self glory. Like either I’m the best or I’m the worst, right?

Like I couldn’t be bold. I couldn’t be in the middle. I couldn’t be like a person who had some goods and some bads. Either I was great, top of the world and full of ego, or I was like, total piece of crap. And it took me, really, until my 30s to understand how to see myself in a nuanced way. And once I was able to, it was a huge game changer for my self esteem, and for how I, even for how I was able to show up in relationships.

Because I was able to be way less defensive when people were telling me, say maybe things that I did that hurt their feelings. Cause I didn’t immediately go to that place where oh I’m the worst person in the world. Right. but it took me awhile to get out of black and white thinking about how I understood my own worth as a person.

[00:06:17] Ash: Absolutely. So we have this all-or-nothing thinking where we’re oscillating back and forth. And that negative feedback lands so much harder. There’s no nuance for us there. It’s just absolute truth. Right? And so we develop this way of reacting too cool. Whatever’s happening as people with ADHD, we get kind of stuck in this reactive mode. And where is there space for you being uniquely you if all you’re doing is reacting to how others are responding to you? There’s just no room for it.

[00:06:49] Dusty: Yeah. Or maybe you just see yourself as like an angry person. Well, that’s me. I’m like, you know, and you could, I think, characterize that good or bad, but you know, maybe you just see yourself as a person who’s sensitive or angry or, insecure or whatever.

[00:07:02] Ash: Yeah. So you start to take those on as pieces of identity. And so we form this kind of negative view of self with no real attachment to, or even knowledge of what else is there. Some other interesting things that I see come up with my clients when it comes to identity and our struggles there is how ADHD can put us out of integrity.

For things that are really core to us. And important to who we are. So things like values and needs, we can, I’ve had clients say to me so many times, I always start a relationship with the values and needs exercise. And I can’t tell you how many clients have said, well, I think this is one for me, but I don’t know how that can be true because I’m not living it. I’m not living it in a way that I’m in integrity with it, which means surely it can’t be true.

Well, yes, it can be true. Two things can be true. This can be a value of yours and the ADHD can get in the way. I see that really often with my clients.

Like so many of us with ADHD, this client just has a relentless curiosity and loves to learn, but can also turn that in on himself in that if he doesn’t know the answer at work in this highly technical job, then. I’m not honoring that value of knowledge. See that all or nothing thinking coming into play being someone that values knowledge or has the need of knowledge? I think it was a need, not a value. I have to always have the answer.

And so when someone would come to him and he wouldn’t immediately have the answer, it would send him on a spiral. I have to go find this answer and I should have known the answer. So now I need to spend my own time studying up because. Otherwise, I’m not good enough in my role.

[00:08:49] Dusty: This is one of the areas where I love coaching as a tool because we can take something that’s sort of conceptual or high-level, like values, and through the coaching process, we can turn it into something so actionable. Cause I really resonate with what you’re saying, Asher, especially for myself.

And just to use myself as an example, you know, one of my values is like environmentalism and, you know, animal welfare. And yet for all these years, I always like really respected people who were like, and I was like, I would never be able to do that. I can’t do that. And anytime I tried to, say, cut animal products out of my diet you know, from an environmental standpoint, the problem I had was, like, I was too disorganized with how I fed myself.

I didn’t know how to cook. I had impulses. You know, like I, I like the taste of meat. So if I was ever like hungry, I couldn’t make myself make choices in line with my values, especially cause I wasn’t organized and literally taking a step back and looking at the role that ADHD played in messing up my ability to feed myself over time. And coaching myself through it was how I managed to actually become vegetarian and actually make that change so that I could say to myself like, hey I’m in line with my own values and my integrity.

But it was a slow process and I had to turn it into tangible steps, like shopping lists and check, you know, meals and recipes and how do I keep myself motivated? I realized at one point, when I watch a documentary about animal welfare or food systems, you know, then for three, four weeks, I’m good, because it’s in my head, it’s fresh, I’m like, oh, yeah, I don’t wanna you know, eat meat from factory farms or whatever. But after that point it would start to fade.

So I actually realized like, okay, why don’t I just watch one of these documentaries like at regular intervals and like refresh my commitment to this, and that will actually help me like make these choices as well as keeping, you know, enough food in the pantry and knowing what I can order on what menu. Like they were very tangible steps and I had to coach myself through them.

[00:10:40] Ash: Now that’s such an interesting example because here’s this identity of environmentalist, someone who cares about the environment, but you’re not, weren’t able at that time to match that good intention with action, which causes the question of does this really even matter to me? What is wrong with me?

If this is so important to me, why am I not able to live up to this identity? Well, because ADHD was in the way. And I’m also appreciating that yeah. In your journey, right, you didn’t land at vegan, you landed at vegetarian. Tell me a little bit about that, actually.

[00:11:17] Dusty: Yeah. Well, so like that’s what was sustainable for me. Right. Even though I acknowledge that there are a lot of issues with say like the dairy industry as well, what I landed on was only buying free-range eggs, right? So making sure that any eggs that I ate were from sustainable and ethical sources.

And then you know, dairy is one where I don’t eat a lot of dairy anyway, but because my daughter eats dairy and because I’m putting a big, you know, like we talked about in the last episode on big focus on fitness and protein. I just knew that for myself I don’t at this point in my life have the skills to work all of those things out of my diet in a way that is sustainable for me where I know the alternatives and the recipes, and I can do it. And you know, I’m not taking it off the table forever, but yeah, that’s it right like I recognize it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. This is the best I can do right now.

I feel good about making these choices. I acknowledge that there’s still some problematicness, and I admire people who are like fully vegan, but that’s not where I’m at with being like a single parent and running my own business, like this is what is sustainable for me.

[00:12:17] Ash: Yeah, so there’s nuance there, distinction, putting yourself in the picture, things that are impossible to do if we’re in that all-or-nothing thinking, that black-and-white thinking that comes along with ADHD.

Interestingly enough, when you were talking about that, this brought up an identity for me that I’ve had a complicated relationship with, and that is being very organized. That is something I was known for when I worked full time for someone else, so much so that I had a contentious relationship with my last boss, and she was kind of threatened by my level of organization because she thought that it somehow reflected poorly on her. This was very confusing to me, by the way, at the time, because I didn’t really know what to do about it.

I was, I didn’t have my ADHD diagnosis yet. So I just knew that staying really organized helped me stay on top of things. Then came my diagnosis, and I’m a working professional organizer now while I’m getting my diagnosis, and that caused a complete identity crisis. The reason I pursued diagnosis in the first place was I was getting to a place where my life had gotten complicated enough that I couldn’t out organize my ADHD anymore. That alone was not a viable strategy.

So then I questioned, was I ever really an organized person or good at this in the first place? Or was this just a big cope? And so I kind of threw that identity in the trash, right? This isn’t me. I was never that person. And now I’ve kind of come full circle, realizing that I do like to be organized. I like it.

I was talking to you before we started recording today, Dusty, about how I had a friend come into town this weekend and it prompted some organizational tasks that I’d been putting off to straighten up my house. And I feel immensely better now that’s done. That makes my life run better for me.

Visual clutter is mental clutter. If my spaces are too disorganized, if I can’t easily put my hands on something, if I go to make dinner and I don’t know where things are every time, I have to stop and search for something, that becomes another barrier to getting to the goal of making dinner or whatever it is that I’m trying to do.

I am really good at it. I am good at organizing. I am the friend that can organize the group trip. I have the skills to do it, and it’s not that stressful for me, but it was really funny that I shied away for a number of years of being that person. No, somebody else do it. I have ADHD. I’m not organized. Well, I have ADHD, and I’m pretty good at being organized.

[00:14:50] Dusty: I love it. And I think something that you’re saying is so key to this whole topic, which is the idea of like imposter syndrome, right? Because sometimes you can and sometimes you can’t. Or like you might be very, at the same moment, very disorganized and very organized. And I see this all the time in like the memes and the sort of you know, group awareness that we have on the internet about ADHD.

It’s oh, you’re both sensitive and insensitive. You’re both, you know, organized and messy. You’re, you both love stimulation and you hate stimulate, you know, you’re like overstimulated by sounds. I think that’s so confusing for people with ADHD that they can be both ways, sometimes simultaneously in different areas and then just sometimes back and forth.

And, you know, we have a variable capacity. So sometimes that’s attributable to executive function, but I definitely see it coming out as like imposter syndrome for people. You can be both a really good friend and a really terrible friend at the same time. And so we get, we just immediately doubt that the good, that the strengths we have, the times that we do it really well are the real us. And it’s so easy to believe that the version of us who sucks at it is the real us.

[00:15:53] Ash: Absolutely, which kind of brings me to my next point is our, I see this, I’ve seen this in clients numerous times where identity can be tied up and where we get accolades. I’ve coached a few clients through either leaving a job or changing a career. And when those clients’ identity is so strongly tied to their work, the transition leaves this vacuum of who am I?

I’m going through this with a client right now. So you think about the intersection of that grief and that place that – we’ve talked about this numerous times – that place that clients come to coaching typically where there’s a lot of awareness that wasn’t there before about ADHD and what it is, but very little change. And so coming from this place of kind of resignation, that’s often where clients are when they come to coaching, is I haven’t been able to create and sustain change any other way. Can it happen here tied with here’s where I do get accolades? So that must be who I am.

And the client I’m going through this with now, we coached about her job because her job was not serving her. And it was honestly because of the conditions at that particular workplace, combined with how the job itself was out of integrity for her and her values in some ways. It was really impeding our ability to create and sustain change.

And she was fortunately in a position where she could leave that job and take some time to think about what do I want to do next, which is kind of the question we’re facing now. But before we face that question, we’ve got some work to do on identities because she came to coaching and said I just don’t even know where to start with who I am.

That can be a really unnerving and scary place to be – an adult in your thirties, and to be afraid that maybe I don’t know who I am. Maybe none of the things, good, bad, or otherwise, that people see in me are really me.

[00:18:03] Dusty: So I’m curious, like with clients in this position, what kind of work do you find helpful? How do you help them? Clarify what is their identity.

[00:18:14] Ash: It depends on the clients. For some clients, identity stuff will come out in coaching. So I’ll hear something kind of like strengths come out in coaching, right? You hear something, you reflect it back to them. You examine it. This client has been a bit more challenging than that. I do also have an identities exercise that I like to use when I teach my purpose course derived in part off of that exercise that I was talking about at the beginning of this episode.

And actually I’m happy to post that as a free resource with this episode. So if you go to the show notes on the website, translatingadhd.com, and you want to take a look at that exercise and see if that’s helpful for you listeners, I am happy to share that as a resource.

But for this particular client, there is such a fear of what am I going to find, that even sending her that exercise she was like, I can’t. I can’t look at it. So what we’re doing now is we’re going through it together. That’s how we’re spending our coaching sessions is we’re going through it together.

[00:19:07] Dusty: I love it when you get to that transformational level of work with coaching. And something, I read a book once, and I don’t know about you, Asher, but like, when I find one good resource, I will just refer back to it endlessly in coaching. I’m like, oh my God.

So there’s this one great book that I read, it’s called Rewriting the Rules by Meg John Brown, Meg John Barker. John Barker, I think. And it’s actually a book about relationships and it’s about redefining the rules of like relationships. And it’s so interesting and so compelling and it has so many, it’s such a rich book with so much information, but there’s one part of it that talks about the relationship to the self.

And I cite this very frequently when I’m working with clients because what the author says in the book is okay, this is a bit meta, but even in how we construct the idea of identity here in the west, we have this idea that there’s one true self. And then we put all this value on knowing your true self, and who am I really, which implies that there’s only one true version of you. But the author says, okay, you know, who you are when you’re in church, or with your grandma, might be totally different than who you are when you’re like at the club with your friends or with your lover.

But these are, both of those, you know, it’s not like which version of you is the real one. They’re both really you, but we have a multiplicity of selves. We have a multitude of selves. And I think embracing that idea can be really helpful in getting away from this panic of is this really me or isn’t it?

Because certainly, yeah, we do all have different sides and different strengths and values that are sometimes in conflict with one another. So that’s one big resource that I use. And then the other one is have you heard of the concept of shadow work? Do you know about this?

[00:20:37] Ash: I’ve heard of it. I actually know very little about it.

[00:20:40] Dusty: Yeah, I know only a little bit about it too, so I think I’m going to butcher it, but my like very cut and paste kind of like understanding of it is that it’s this idea of like kind of looking at those sides of yourselves that aren’t like the best and the most positive and like embracing them and just accepting, right?

Like we all want to think of ourselves as a good person. We all, any, if you ask someone like, who they are and what they’re like, they might tell you all the good things, like I’m a good friend or I’m a good singer or I’m a great mom, right? They’re probably not going to go, Oh yeah, well like I’m kind of selfish and like I’m a bit egotistical and you know, I’m really petty and I’m jealous of everyone around me.

Like we would, you know, those things might be true about us, but we don’t want to look at them. We don’t want to acknowledge that they’re there. And then when they’re reflected back at us when they sort of, when those sides get out of control and something happens and it brings out our petty side or a jealous side, it’s like so crushing and it makes you question who you are.

So I think if I’m understanding the concept of shadow work correctly, which I may not be, but I think it’s about kind of like acknowledging that like we have good and bad sides and like that part of us that is like a little petty or can be a little jealous is also part of us. And the more you accept it, the easier it is to think about how you can, I think, bring those in line for good, you know? Sometimes being spiteful can be a strength, you know what I mean?

So I think there’s, you know, we can kind of like almost turn those bads into goods, but also if we accept them, then it’s easier not to let them get out of control, and it’s easier not to be blindsided when, you know, something happens. And so I also think that’s really important, is like our identity isn’t just our values and just our strengths. It’s also the parts of us that we like, don’t love.

[00:22:14] Ash: Absolutely. And so often I find with my clients, and I gave an example earlier when it came to values and needs that strength and challenge are two sides of the same coin. So it’s not that this challenge side is coming from nowhere. It might be coming from what can be an area of strength if you let it be.

And to give another example, my identity of organized, right? Organized is something other people see me, as my friends come over and they’re like, oh, your house is so organized. How do you do it? Well, I do it because I need to do it. And I like to do it. And I don’t judge you for how your house is. I don’t care. Cause I don’t have to live there.

When I’m in challenge with organized, I’m in negative self talk. Why am I so disorganized? Why can’t I get on top of things? Why can’t I organize that one closet in my kid’s room that would take me less than an hour to do and would make everything so much better, but I just can’t get there.

So it, it flips from being something that is innate to me, something that’s supportive for me, something that I’m good at, to a bunch of shoulds. You know how to do this. Why aren’t you doing it? Right. So same identity, but there’s strength there and there’s challenge there.

Another way that can happen is I’ll feel like I need to get organized before I can do something right. I have to get the space organized before I can do the thing that I mean to do, and that can often get in my way as well.

[00:23:43] Dusty: Yeah, that’s so interesting. It really is, I think, about, you know, when we come to this question of okay, so like, why is it important to know your identity? You know, I said earlier in the episode, I was in very black and white thinking about my identity, almost like it’s an objective. Like either I’m objectively a good person or a bad person, and you’ll just drive yourself crazy, right?

Because and that, it really used to bother me that I could think that I was like this really good person, and a lot of people would be like, you’re cool. And then there’d be like one person that would just, no matter what I did, you know, always saw me negatively. And we all have people like that, and you know, there are no universal rules about what is a sort of attractive personality quality and what’s not.

And there’s always gonna be someone who doesn’t like the cut of your jib, no matter how. You could be like a Nobel Peace Prize winner and they’ll be like some guy who just thinks you’re like the biggest jerk on earth, right? So like also giving other people the power to define us, you know, is no good.

But what’s interesting is, you know, and so I had a partner once and we moved in together, and I really admired how tidy he was because I always struggled with cleaning up after myself and being tidy. And this guy was like so tidy and so neat, and I really admired it, and I would say that I learned a lot from him.

But ultimately it was like one of the downfalls of our relationship because he couldn’t relax, like he couldn’t be flexible about things that were untidy. And so he just lived in this perpetual state of stress and anxiety because he couldn’t control the cleanliness of the house around him. And it was like a huge stressor in our relationship.

And so, as much as I admired how clean he was, it actually was a drawback for him. And myself as a person who, you know, has always worked at having to be tidy and clean, you know, I’ve had friends who’ve struggled with being really messy like myself. As a person who’s struggled with wanting to own that identity of I’m a tidy person, I’m a clean person. What it has meant is that actually I’ve had friends open up to me about being really messy, and they’re like too ashamed and embarrassed to open up to other people about it. But I don’t judge them because I totally get it because I used to be that way too.

And so that brings me, I’ve been able to really be more in line with my values of being a good friend, being a caring person, being there to help others because, you know, I’m not gonna judge you. But you know, that’s because of my identity as sort of a messy person, which is sort of a, you know, bad thing.

And on the other hand, this person who had this sort of what I would consider objectively good personality trait oh, you’re very tidy. I don’t think that people would open up to that person and say, hey, you know, I’m really struggling with mess, because, you know, he’d probably judge them. So it’s kind of, it’s interesting, right? I think what I’m saying is it all depends on context. 

[00:26:23] Ash: Absolutely. And that’s actually a nice segue into the last thing I wanted to say, which is another thing I see with my clients when it comes to identity struggles, is distinguishing what that identity means to me versus what that identity means to anyone else.

I have this client who is a software engineer by day. That is her paying gig, but she also writes and devotes a lot of time to writing and writes seriously, attends workshops, applies for workshops that you have to submit written work to be considered for, submits often for publication.

And we had this really interesting series of coaching sessions where we were grappling with career. She’s realizing that she wants to do something meaningful, but she’s also realizing that pivoting into writing as a career at this moment in time with financial obligations and other things that are in the picture is not possible. And something really interesting happened when we decoupled the identity of writer from career.

And it happened in part because I reminded this client, I said something like, right, you’d write even if it never becomes a career. And she went, Ooh, you’re right. And I’m like, yeah, I know. It’s like core to who you are. Writer is a core identity for you. And so decoupling those things did a couple of really interesting things for this client.

Number one, it actually changed her experience at work. When she first came to coaching, she had all of this one down about, I’m not living up to expectations. If I’m going to be in this role, I have to be the best at this role. I technically should be farther along in my career than I am right now. And we really need to work on that.

And since then has gotten a performance review that says she’s doing just fine. And with this decoupling, this recognition that work is important – I need the money, and I’m good enough at the job, but it’s not part of my identity at all. This job has nothing to do with my who.

And so the importance and the priority level is now much more in check, which means consistency actually becomes easier at work because she’s not so tied to, I have to be the best. Now I just have to be good enough to earn my paycheck. And that is good enough.

And it really renewed her passion for writing, right? Would I like to get published? Yes. Would I like other people to see my work. Yes. Am I going to keep writing for the rest of my life even if neither of those things ever happen? Yes. Because first and foremost, this client writes for herself.

It was an incredibly transformational moment. Just, you know, that identity was always in the room in our coaching, but just that shift in perspective to it doesn’t have to be a career to be an identity.

[00:29:34] Dusty: Yeah, I love that. And again, I think that goes back so much of that black and white thinking where you know, you assume that because you’re good at something that you have to be the best, that it has to be really important to you. And it doesn’t have to be if we can sort of get out of these rules in our head about what things mean and who we are. It can make a lot of things flow a lot easier.

And I think for myself and for a lot of my clients, the key thing here is like, finding the context where you’re, like, identity is neither good nor bad. It’s, you’re neither completely one nor completely the other. You could be both, even at the same time. You know, messy and disorganized. Or a good friend and kind of a, you know, I don’t want to say bad friend, but like a friend who’s like maybe not that on the ball. Right?

Like you can, you, there are a multitude of selves. And context is so important because, you know, Dr. Russell Barclay says that people with ADHD need a prosthetic environment. Just like if someone was disabled, like they had no leg, they might have a prosthetic leg. Well, we have some brain things going on that require us to have an environment that helps us connect to our brain to what we’re trying to do, that cues us, that helps us do the things that our brain isn’t always helping us to do.

And I think that’s also true of identity. Like if we can create an environment where the ways that we are and the who’s of who we are, our strengths, our people like them. We’re around people who understand us, then we’re not going to feel disabled or we’re not going to feel, you know one down. But when we’re in the wrong environment, all of those are gonna seem really pronounced.

[00:31:05] Ash: We’re out of time. So, you have any parting thoughts that you want to share? 

[00:31:09] Dusty: I mean, I feel like every podcast that we’ve done so far and probably all the ones to come touch on this, right? Everything does relate back to identity, which is so interesting. And ultimately when people ask me what’s my ADHD and what’s me, I’m like, I don’t think they’re different, right?

Like, you know, your consciousness exists in an organ, which is your brain. So whatever’s going on in your brain. is inseparable from who you are, in my opinion. I don’t think – I think that ADHD is a part of people’s identity. At least it is for me.

[00:31:38] Ash: I agree with that. And so listeners, if you want to start to look at the question of identity kind of head on, which is one way to tackle it, another way is as Dusty said, is to continue doing your other work. Because if you’re doing the type of work that we preach on this show, this coaching like work, you’ll start to see your strengths. You’ll start to get a better sense of who you are.

But if you want to address this directly and look at it, number one, that identities exercise will be posted in the resources section on the website. And we’ll post the book that Dusty mentioned earlier as well.

So there’s two great resources for you to start to pull on the thread of identity and who I am. And one thing I advise if you’re going to go into this exercise, and something I say in coaching all the time, is just because you say it doesn’t mean you have to be attached to it.

So as you start to name and explore identities, don’t get too hung up on, is this an identity of mine or is it not? Or what does it mean to me or what doesn’t it mean to me? If it comes to mind in the context of the question being asked, just write out your answer or say your answer to someone else, if that’s a helpful way to do it.

And then examine what you’ve said and what’s true and what’s not true in that because so often with ADHD, our brains are such busy places that, and this is another reason coaching is such a strong modality for people with ADHD, is sometimes it is incredibly helpful to get it out first and then to pick it apart and examine it. And that’s the thing that we can’t do when it’s swirling around inside. Dusty, I think that’s a good place for us to wrap this week. So listeners until next week, I’m Ash.

[00:33:21] Dusty: I’m Dusty.

[00:33:22] Ash: And this was the Translating ADHD podcast. Thanks for listening.